IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE... IT'S A CRACK PIPE

…The cops had me surrounded. Street blockaded on both ends. My end approached. They shuttled my car into a parking lot. The same one they had rented an apartment on the third floor to use as 24 hour surveillance on me because they were peeping police perverts.

The boys in blue probably got their nightsticks erect knowing they finally would have me caged as a bird that don’t fly – a jail bird. Free for them to incarcerate me with their homeless hegemony.

DIRT BAGS

I would not let these two-faced testicle bobbers take me down without some lassitude lazy fight. It may be a two punch fight – I swing, miss, and chew pavement by an ever-lasting cop stopper.

Only, I had a moment of Everclear clarity before exiting the vehicle and promptly putting my hands behind my head. And those classy silver bracelets that lock your freedom away sent a permeable wave of hopelessness through my soul. Soul snatching police should be a better euphemism that protect and serve.

Not All Cops are Bad

But these ones protect and served their own mothers on a tasteless platter of poop. 

...I played chicken with the police force long enough.

Let's add up the inventory of criminal charges I was rolling the dice on...

1) Sawed off .12 Gauge in the trunk.

2) Bullets. A whole sack of them for an assortment of weapons.

3)Drugs in the house. Scale. Baggies.

4)More Guns in the house

5)Investigation of a weapon's discharge up the street and...

6) Drum roll -- a home invasion prompted by the Crack Queen of the universe -- Snaggles.

You want to know where writing good characters come from...

...Melon tossing mishaps in life like Snaggles.

I told them they couldn't search my car -- but if they arrest me on something they can automatically search on a term called "search by incident of arrest." A free search-your-shit, clause.

Now that Snaggles' nephew turned on me for the drugs left in the house, it was up to him to give permission for the cops to search the premises -- since I took over without a lease. The world didn't have a big enough boot to fit up his hindside with. He almost let them come in and scour the premises... as I shook my head behind him "No. No. No," you lethargic butt creamer.

He had the Stupidest Look on His Face

This brainless tumor actually had to think about it!!! After I made a pipe smoking gesture with my hand, only then did he say no to search the premises.

But Snaggles told the police that I, or one of my goons, kicked in the back door. I thought any smart person trying to pin a crime on someone would at least make it look like the crime actually took place.

They checked the backdoor that had no damage and came to the same conclusion we all had -- this woman was the egg in the "This is your brains on drugs" commercial. No damage had been done to the backdoor. I'll refrain from a lewd joke there. Please add your own about Snaggles "the Toothless" Wonder.

I Got Evicted Without Legally Every Living There

Now in screenwriting, you have to have one of three ingredients for you to have a great character. Two out of three is best -- 1) likeable -- which is the biggest smoking crack spoon misnomer in Hollywood. You don't have to like Vincent from St. Vincent, or Ebeneezer from "Scrooged" but you do have to relate to them. Money grows the root of that evil. 3) Sympathetic. You have to sympathize with them.

I got a big goose egg zero out of this post. Then I found on my way out to starving for sympathy a loaf of drugs on the side of the house that the brilliant duo tried to hide.

Here's Your Sign!!!

They tried to hide the drugs outside of the house in plain view? What kinda crack were they smoking?

The police made sure I had there early to get my stuff, one carload, and a pound of loathsome shame.

I went from a gangleader to a homeless vagrant. So make sure that sympathy holds a candle -- I had my guys urinate on Snaggles' Renault. She never took a bath anyway, so she wouldn't notice.

And the Harvey Gangsters got ready to make their move since I had crestfallen grace into a poverty pool of depravity.