THE SANFORD AND SON GANG

So, yeah, I'm in right?  Getting in the gang -- every kid's dream that's had such a crappy childhood, my childhood had to wear a diaper.

Almost smoked a crack head for the cause -- that should have gotten the red and black carpet rolled out for me immediately... NO!!!

I still had to wait another two weeks to get blessed into the gang.  Vice Lords rarely beat anyone in -- they get blessed in if they pass all the trials on probation.

Beating someone's buttocks black and blue to get in always seemed masochistic to me. They could knock your marbles loose during the beating and now they'd have Sling Blade talking members. Taking a beating to prove your worth seems like a caveman way.

This isn't Sparta -- its gangland where half of all members end up smoking crack or becoming alcoholics in ten years anyway if you're not dead or in prison.  Maybe gangs should haze with a crack-smoking spree, or keg tossing night at the local dive bar with toothless barristers.

Anyway -- since I was a skinny kid at the time, being in a gang meant instant backup against other gangs.




I HAD PRIDE in my stride.  Was buying all the cheap Chicago Bulls gear I could. Five-point star chains came with my new found F-off attitude.

Even though I'm not in yet -- I'm banging my hat to the left.

I had more pimp swagger than the Platter's Peanut at the Playboy mansion and I'm strutting across a mall parking lot to catch a dollar movie at the theater.  Cuz thats how I roll -- at the dollar theater, homey.

And looking down with my usual shadow of low self-esteem, I walk into the movie parking lot to look up and see a sea of black and blue.

As God usually liked to put me in hairy situations so I could write about them -- I happened to be going to the movies at the same time half the Gangster Disciple Nation was going to watch a movie.

Skinny white dude just walked into a mountain of angry black and blue dudes.  I wasn't going to change my diaper just yet -- I had to think quick and call back up.

As the feast of eyes fell on my colors, I took a few steps backwards and touched a piece of asphalt. Thanks, God -- you didn't totally leave me hanging.

They surrounded me.  I told them with as much morass as I could muster that the first one -- too late, one was already swinging on me. I went Fred Flintstone on his face.  I don't think they saw the asphalt until then. The blood puddle coming out of the asphalt receiver spooked them enough for me to run through and who do I see cruising through the parking lot just in time to pick me up???

Go Brother! 

My brother -- he waves at me as a tidal wave of angry gang-bangers rush behind me and drives off.  Did he think these guys were my loyal fan base coming to toss me up in the air like I just won the Superbowl???

This is why my brother disgusted me. I ran into Burger King to use the payphone. I was given the secret number to the Vice Lord cave.  Now a public place would buy me some time because cops were always circling the parking lot, but not for long before they came in here and lynched the whitey in red.  I dropped the quarter -- and a Vice Lord sister named Saquina picks up. She's sucking on a Now or Later or something --"Whatcha need, white boy?"

I blathered about the G.D's waiting to tear me apart. She paused like she was taking down all this as a secretary to give the boss when he gets back from his three hour lunch.  I need backup, damnit!!!

"We be there in 55 minutes -- the Red C don't come for another 15 minutes."

This is when I knew I was trying to officially join the Sanford and Son gang.  The Vice Lord transportation was the city bus?!!!  I'd be dead and picked clean by vultures by the time they make their rounds through the city on the bus.  I was screwed. I might as well went out there and asked them to get it over with -- my caravan of Vice Lord chicks wouldn't be here for another hour. Maybe they'd wait for a fair duel. Saquina and her Now and Later sucking mouth was probably going to go to the beauty salon with the girls before picking up the 9mm's.

How does a set consisting of 40 members not have a single car among the group?

I didn't have these type of Vice Lord chicks backing me up...

I had these ones coming at a snail's pace on the city bus to save money...

I hung up the phone realizing that I was attempting to join a gang that did not live up to rap music standards of fine honeys, more bling bling around the neck's of the thugs, no fancy cars with diamond Datons spinning backwards -- no money and Cristol flying in the air with this gang... it was food stamps and city bus passes all the way, baby!

We weren't the Vice Lords, we were the Price Lords that saves at Wal-Mart gang-banging prices.

Now the guys waiting for me out front weren't the brightest guys from the moon landing, either.  They all waited outside and taunted me through the glass. And this got the manager to get nervous without me having to say a word.  He went out to tell them to leave the property if they weren't going to come in and purchase an ass-beating for me.

I ran out the back packing door.   I found the next pay phone four blocks away and canceled my request for backup.  They hadn't even left on the Red C and she was still sucking on the everlasting Now And Later.

Next week... I meet Dr. Booger, and Professor Racist -- but I also found out these were not the Vice Lords I had met were already on the way out to another gang, because the Conservatives weren't controlling anything in this part of the city.