Sunday, May 31, 2015

TO KILL OR BE KILLED




So bedlam ensued... we preferred conflict over conciliation. The house was approached -- and the G.D.'s were opening fire first. Creating a conflagration of bullets seeking any living being for an entry would to make a home for itself. It was Fallujah in Illinois.

People were ducking and firing. That's the moment you realize street soldiers are not the trained soldiers of the military. Gangbangers act like they're the best shots in the world and would rather have a selfie taken of them elegantly firing in photographically mastered art shots over hitting anyone. Gun over the head. Gun behind the back.

TOO MANY MOVIES -- that they don't realize the shots in movies are set up to look awesome.


And they're not really shooting at their cast members. This gun blazing art-form usually results in the enemy not getting hit. It's better to look cool firing the gun than nab a target. Everyone likes to look at each other, hoping they saw that awesome shot that sent the bullet five states over and nowhere near the house that was intended to be hit.


Now for those really wanting to clip a target -- they won't do it in a pack of pretentious vanity shooters, they'll do it by themselves in the cold of a Chicago night with no one to impress. And the unsuspecting target will never see them coming. That's why the mafia's tactics scared so many. They wanted you dead, the sent a ghost to kill you.

This video about sums up the art-of-gangsta shooting

In this Monet Lisa melee of looking great at taking a shot that wouldn't hit an elephant at ten feet, there was no hits and a no reduction in the enemy's man count. There were not assiduous in their shooting... they were ludicrous.

PARTY TIME IN STUPIDVILLE

So what do you do after a block is lit up like the fourth of July? You hold a celebration that praises the best-looking shot and loss of ammunition. Pictures abounded of poses with guns and swords. Hamburgers grilled to forty-ounce succulence.



And because of the magnitude of weaponry that went off in vain.  Doors got kicked in. Streets got blockaded off. The cops were on the hunt. Some of the guys got arrested. And add a little alcohol to the high of a gunfight and you got stupid thinking. We decided we were going to gun up, go into the courthouse, and if the bail was too high for our guys... we were gonna stick up the deputies and free our own guys from the courthouse on their own recognizance.

Lucky as a blessing from above -- charges were dropped or bonds were low enough to pay the piper. I had a gun in front and one in back. Due to my skeletal size, it was also a blessing that the deputies didn't see the frames of the guns beneath my shirts. Months later, metal detectors were added. I don't know if wind blew back to the administrators of the jail, or it was happenstance they got installed after we thought we'd play knights of the dumb table and forcefully bond out our brethren.

COP KILLA

The heat was thick. It was stifling. I was going to take no chances so I was going to a part of Chicago where there was no heat. I was going to run away from the foster home I was in. Armed with a 9mm and an extra clip. The Vice Lords were holed up in our own Bonnie and Snide hideout. We'd move out during the morning hours like good little cockroaches.  I didn't know who was wanted for what -- the grapevine was saying some of us including me were wanted for attempted murder. That numerous people were shot. Don't trust ghetto speculation -- it means prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Except one thing -- I needed to collect some stashed cash and a few guns at the foster home. A Vice Lord that did the best he could to walk and talk at the same time, and played a balancing act of bad brain cells, was going to drive me. He had a headlight out. In the world of crime -- that was as dangerous as a rival gangbanger shooting at you. Broken headlights meant you just provided a first-class pull over call to any police looking for a reason to pull you over.

I told the grease-pit VL that was driving to stay off the main roads. What does he do? Yeah, drove on the main road. As luck liked to spank my arse from time-to-time -- a cop got behind us. So I told No-Brain to speedily turn the corner so I could chuck the gun.

What does turd swamp do?

Pulls over on the main road. So then I vociferously tell basket-face to lean back in his seat when the cop approaches the driver's side so I can shoot the imperious cop in the chest.

What does missing brain cell locator do?


Actually it was I with the stupid idea

Sits forward in the seat, clutching the steering wheel. It's go time. I proceed to jump out of the car with the gun to blast the cop -- THIS LOOKS LIKE A GOOD CLIFFHANGER FOR NEXT WEEK...

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Tuesday, May 19, 2015

ON TOP OF TURD ISLAND



Donald Trump has his catchphrase that he wanted to trademark. Ah, no, floppy dead rat hair. Mine is going to be turd. I never got over the humor in that word since I was five --so Trump that, Donald.

Me telling Donald my plans...

Anyway. Back to your first row seat in my carnival ride of carnage.

Once I was given full control of the foster home, it was time to organize a corporate structure. Turn the wienies into warriors. We started holding Friday goals. Learning the literature. And violating anyone that broke the Vice Lord law.

Before you conquer others, you have to conquer yourself. So I adapted the identity of a Mafia don. Our ranks had grown to over 40 members. We held BBQ's. Only we didn't have any grills so we borrowed anyone's we came across on the way to the park. So this finally solves the case of the missing grills.

Sectarian and internecine feuds were ripe in the Vice Lords, but not ours. People got beatdown, smashed like some ground beef being molded for a patty.



The rise of the empire went on for months. Then the...

BBQ

We held the soiree right next door to our rivals the Gangster Disciples. Among our band of merry Lords we had quite a few scrubs that joined.  They looked more like backwoods farmers than gangbangers.  But you can turn scrubs into weapons if they idolize the cause enough.

I'll call the guy Roach who's house we were at because I had the nightmare of staying there. There was food and pans stacked up, crusted in food that was around in Jesus' time. I went to sleep in his dumpster room. Clicked off the light.



IT WAS JOE'S APARTMENT! The roaches were carrying me off on the pee-stained mattress. Then they scrambled when I turned on the light -- another two minutes and I would have been swarmed to death.

Remember the part in Indiana Jones' and the Temple of Doom when Indy was covered in bugs? That was his room with the light out.

ANYWAY...

We were eating outside of his roach motel when pork chops flew over the fence. Pork is prohibited in Vice Lord law since they went toward a Nation of Islam type literature.



We fired fish back over the fence at them. As you can guess... fish is against G.D.'s to eat. Everything happened so fast. Shots rang out from both sides of the fence.  We then became the cockroaches -- running in anticipation of police.

We went to one of the Vice Lord sister's house down the street. A car full of G.D.'s followed us, perched on the corner of the car and let some shots ride -- my enforcer saved my life when I stood still trying to aim the pistol I had at them.

I was smashed by a freight train by my enforcer, pinning me to the ground as bullets flew out.


BAD DUDE DAD

My problems had just begun. I stood up when the door to the Vice Lord sister's flew open and a tough-as-nails dad ran out. He had more tours in Vietnam than the Greatful Dead concerts. That's when I noticed a little girl was on the porch that almost ate a bullet intended for me.



I was about to be on the receiving end of a mighty ass-whooping. And would have deserved every blow.

He told me to get inside -- my 275 pound enforcer that could scare Jason Voorhies into becoming the next Rupaul, stepped in front with a menacing stare ready to defend the chief. I brushed him aside, telling him to stand down as I walked inside to get what I figured I had coming.

Instead I was issued in to an arsenal and someone that wanted whoever shot at his daughter to meet their maker naked.

Or at best to have their living soul scared out of them into signing an armistice treaty. A plan was formulated to bulldoze their house with bullets. This would take a speech tantamount to a fury riling Malcolm X declamation.

We were coming and playing no games...

Well, things didn't quite pan out as they should... the events of the next few days would change some lives forever.  And that's next week, or whenever indolence inspires to write this again...


Saturday, May 9, 2015